On dialing back at Christmas
The last few years have been a lesson in doing less during the festive season
Winter wonderland, Christmas 2021
I feel like December 2019 was the last truly relaxing, stress-free December I can remember. And that’s saying a lot because we had a two month old baby at the time. Though I think the baby probably had a lot to do with it. She was the perfect excuse to drop any festive “shoulds” we didn’t feel like doing. I do remember a failed trip to the mall with the baby in tow. I’d been aiming to pick up a few stocking stuffers for Spencer but C needed feeding as soon as we arrived and once I’d gone through the whole rigmarole of feeding her and changing her diaper, I was exhausted. So, I went and had a coffee and a festive cookie in the mall’s Starbucks while she napped in her stroller. Slightly refreshed, I decided to stop by a few shops, but the baby then woke and decided she absolutely did not want to be in her stroller and wanted to be carried. Carrying her with one arm and trying to shop with the other just wasn’t happening and I gave up and went home.
We did manage to get a tree that year (it’s December 11 and we still don’t have one this year — a record late for us). My sister also visited from the UK and although it was her first time visiting Canada, she wasn’t too interested in doing anything touristy (though we managed a trip to the Royal Ontario Museum). The weather was also rubbish — cold and rainy and not the snowy winter wonderland my sister had bought new boots and a down coat for! So, we mostly stayed home and watched television and Christmas movies or played games while scoffing chocolates. On Christmas Eve, we made Tex Mex and I was pleasantly surprised that my picky-eater sister ate her first enchilada. Christmas Day was a relaxed affair too: opening presents, going for a walk round the park, more scoffing of chocolate. I did lament that I spent a lot of the day cooking: a full English for breakfast and Christmas dinner with plenty of trimmings.
Fast-forward to December 2020 and life was looking a lot more chaotic. Not only were we living through a global pandemic, but in our personal lives, we had recently moved across Canada from Toronto to Vancouver Island. We were living in a rented apartment in Victoria but had purchased a new house up-island that we were due to move into in mid-January. We had a one year old who was much more active (and on the verge of walking) and we had a dog —not a new acquisition, admittedly, but he did develop a GI problem that December and was waking us up in the middle of the night to do diarrhoea poops all over the yard. Too much information?
That December I was feeling very burned out from a year of pandemic anxiety, a cross-country move, losing my grandmother, and a punishing schedule of studying and editing work on top of full-time childcare. We were surrounded by half-packed boxes and “doing” Christmas just felt like too much on top of everything else. It certainly did not feel like the most wonderful time of the year. Though I do have fond memories of C standing up in her crib and pointing at the Christmas tree lights, which I made sure to turn on every morning before opening her bedroom door. That was also the Christmas she called baubles “bum bums.” I have less fond memories of spending Christmas Eve at the local walk-in clinic because C fell and badly bumped her mouth — she was fine in the end.
Because it was our first Christmas without any time with family in the schedule and because Zoom had been thrust into our lives, we decided that we would do Zoom calls with the grandparents while C opened her presents from them. I know they really appreciated getting to see her open their presents (and I know how hard it was for them to go so long without seeing her in person as she changed from day to day) but I found the whole thing, well, “frazzling” would be a good word for it. My attention felt diverted in too many directions. I couldn’t focus on and enjoy C opening her presents, but I couldn’t fully engage with the grandparents on screen either. At one point, I just went and lay on the bed. I don’t remember much of the rest of the day. I think we went for a walk. I don’t remember cooking or eating Christmas dinner.
When December 2021 rolled around, I was once again feeling burned out. I’d spent most of the year doing freelance editing work around full-time childcare, as well as studying and editing a literary magazine. In the fall I’d also taken on a part-time editing job and before I finally saw the light (and the immediate need to save mine and my husband’s sanity) and put C in daycare, I was working 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. and then working an evening shift from 9 p.m. to midnight after looking after C all day. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, Omicron reared its head and as the constant media updates rolled, I was having some seriously traumatic flashbacks to March 2020 and even developed stomach pains. Oh, and we also discovered we had a rat living in our basement!
I was very grateful to have two weeks off for Christmas and New Year and felt myself limping towards the break. Because of Omicron we decided to do a big grocery shop to cover us for those two weeks and went into hibernation mode. On Christmas Eve, we got two feet of snow, which only added to the feeling that we were shut off from the world. We did some Christmas activities, like baking and decorating cookies and writing out cards. But there was a lot that got left undone or that I set boundaries around. I didn’t, for example, buy (or make) any Christmas presents for my extended family (I still bought some things for Spencer and C). It wasn’t exactly an intentional decision. I just had such a busy period of deadlines leading up to Christmas that I didn’t give myself enough time to order anything online and the thought of going into shops felt too stressful. On my one shopping trip — when I bought the few presents I gifted Spencer that year — I found it difficult to navigate packed shops with C in her stroller. The highlight was managing to knock a table over onto another customer as I struggled up the steps and through the (non-automatic) door. I then had to leave immediately because it was so busy I couldn’t squeeze the stroller through the crowds. And you know what? It was fine. I felt a bit guilty but the world didn’t end because I didn’t buy my parents and siblings some useless tat they probably don’t want or need.
I also told grandparents that we wouldn’t be doing any Zooming on Christmas Day. Again, I felt some guilt about this, but it ended up being the best decision for my own sanity. I got to enjoy watching C open her presents and we could take as long as she wanted over each gift, instead of feeling the need to rush her along to the next gift (it was a long morning of present opening!). I also downgraded my own expectations around cooking. We had a less-than-full English for breakfast and Christmas dinner included a few “cheats” (like bread rolls from a tube) and fewer trimmings.
We played in the snow a lot and went for walks, but otherwise, I spent most of the break relaxing on the couch with a good book (Underland by Robery Macfarlane). I went into the new year feeling so well rested, it was almost revelatory: oh, this is what it feels like to not be carrying a ton of stress around in my body! This is what it feels like when you truly rest! And I’m happy to report that I did not enter December 2022 feeling burned out! Though this month hasn’t been without its share of woes. We’ve had our basement flood twice and had to have plumbers in to replace our sewer line (and tear up our yard in the process). We’ve also had drywallers in as we desperately try to get the guest room in the basement finished before the baby arrives. Ah yes, and we’re expecting baby number two sometime around the middle of the month, which has made all the snow storms and flat tires on the car extra stressful.
But I’m also grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from the last few Christmases. Knowing we’d probably have a tiny baby before Christmas Day, I’ve bought a few presents here and there already, mostly from craft fairs and local businesses (I’ve bought exactly one present from Amazon and I’m hoping that’s the last thing I ever buy from there). I’ve even managed to get a few things for my family back home — though they won’t arrive now until the new year (new year presents are a thing, right?). So far we’ve only bought one present for C, but it’s one she’ll love and I know she doesn’t need a ton of stuff anyway.
And honestly, this year I’m feeling more inclined to gift and donate to folks who don’t have the privileges we enjoy. It also feels important to share this example with C, so we gifted some pajamas and a book to a collection her dance school was running for the local transition house, and she decorated a card to send to an old folks home. I’m also planning to donate to the local elementary school’s food program. It feels good to support initiatives on our door step though I’m not sharing these examples to toot my own horn. I just know I’m more likely to give to a cause when I see friends and family giving too.
We’ve managed an early batch of mince pies and we’ve put some decorations up. In years gone by I would have sworn Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without a tree (and always thought my mum was such a Scrooge whenever she decided not to bother with one), but I think I’ll honestly be okay if we don’t manage to get one. I’m also okay with store bought frosted sugar cookies (mixing and rolling and cutting and baking and icing our own feels like too much right now). We have cranberry sauce and bread rolls leftover from Thanksgiving in the freezer and we’ll make some mashed potatoes and gravy and cook up some fake meat and that will be Christmas dinner. Perhaps we’ll even skip the less-than-full English breakfast. And it will be okay, it will be truly okay.
Tomorrow my in-laws arrive for a week and it will be the first Christmas with family around for a few years. We might do Tex Mex and a mini pre-Christmas celebration, but then again, the baby might arrive and that plan will have to be put aside. I’m holding on to everything very lightly right now. And I guess that’s been a useful lesson from the last few years. After all, when I reflect on what has made the last few Christmases “magical” (among all the muck and complications), it’s been the moments I couldn’t have planned for. It’s been my daughter calling baubles “bum bums” and the goofy picture her daycare took of her in an elf costume. It’s been the snow and icicles and the sunrises we got to enjoy because C woke up early. And now, we’re waiting for the big moment we couldn’t have planned for through a year of trying to conceive — meeting baby number two.
This post was partly inspired by Astrid Bracke’s recent post: How to take care of yourself this season. I first encountered Astrid through Twitter but we met IRL in Amsterdam. Since leaving the Netherlands and Twitter I’d lost touch with Astrid, but recently got back in touch via Emma Gannon’s excellent blog post about burnout: Burnout is no joke (subscribers only). In her post, Emma writes about how her recent burnout was partly caused by a “post”-pandemic feeling that she needed to make up for lost time and pack her diary with social engagements. But, she writes: “In Claudia Hammond’s The Art Of Rest, she explains that although seeing loved ones is nourishing and one of the greatest joys of life — it is not actually rest. In the research-based 'rest test' list of nourishing based activities it's actually quite far down the bottom.” I had to laugh at that. It feels like the perfect excuse not to attempt any Christmas visits home, at least for a few years while the kids are young (though don’t get me wrong, I do actually adore my family). And lastly, I’d like to link you to Ella Risbridger’s recent post on just stopping and hibernating for December (and it includes a very simple bread recipe too!).
I love this. We’ve also skipped a Christmas tree the last years in favor of a few branches in a vase, which is a lovely excuse for a wintry walk to clip some pine and holly in the woods! I’ll be thinking of you as we get closer to Christmas, and hoping that you have a restful period amidst the sleepy chaos of the newborn stage!
You are completely right, but I somehow feel that I will never fully internalise this lesson and am doomed to forever spend December chasing my tail!